I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
And then he peed in my hair
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