she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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