Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize