I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he told me I talked like a deaf person
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
