I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I wish there were birth control emojis
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
