There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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