shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The Olympian is in my bed
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
