if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
