He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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