Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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