I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
