Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
