My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
