Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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