Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize