If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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