so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Someone shattered a urinal.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize