She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
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