For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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