somebody snuck up and got me drunk
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
