Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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