he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I pour the whiskey from now on
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize