Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
