Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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