i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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