There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
