I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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