Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
