omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
