the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
