if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
