ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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