Please, let me fuck your mom
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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