Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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