the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
