If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
