Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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