The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
