Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
