even my farts smell like vagina
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
