I heard we made out
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
