That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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