they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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