The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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