i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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