how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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