Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
