How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
