i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
God I need to hump something, right now.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
