My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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