If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
