Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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