There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize