so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
