So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
