I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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