textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize