the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
