Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
