When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
