He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We were destined to go to rehab together
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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