Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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