there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
